A little explanation before I get started. I was at my parents house dog sitting and had nothing better to do at 3 AM than browse Netflix to see what terrible films they were suggesting for me this week. What I found was this:

 Barely Legal (2006)

This movie just proves that sex and nudity don’t make everything entertaining. If you see this movie in your queue and you have the desire to watch it, don’t. Go over to You Porn and watch anything there—ultimately it’ll have a more coherent plot and you’ll save yourself eighty something minutes.

It’s meant to be a teen comedy in the vein of American Pie or Super Bad. But it seems to go further than I remember those movies going and there’s not much of a lesson or any story in it. Either of the previously mentioned movies are easily a better choice.

Barely Legal follows three friends (who don’t seem to have much reason to be friends) as they embark on a journey to have sex the first time on their eighteenth birthday. That’s basically the whole plot right there. And as anyone could tell you, if you’re a moderately attractive girl with a natural God-given vagina it won’t take you 90 minutes to get laid on your eighteenth.

This movie drags it out with a plot about a religious girl losing her faith in God and discovering in His place masturbation. A slutty girl trying to find her perfect match. And the third girl trying to get back at her cheating boyfriend.

Oh and at one point two of the girls tease a blind man with their asses from a balcony. There was a lot of jokes involving the bind and only one of them was funny. I even wrote it down as testament that it happened.

Guy#1: Dude, have you seen a rack like that before?
Guy#2: I’m blind, you fucking asshole!

I think it was only funny because I had sat so long without laughing that it lowered my tolerance.

Then there was the religious jokes which were just offensive (mostly because they weren’t funny). I can take a religious joke, I’m Catholic and we’re the butt of a lot of them. But someone being gay for Jesus and talking about how sexy his body was on the cross made me want to rage. It’s a good thing I’m lazy and I was already in bed.

All that said, don’t watch this. There’s not anything I can say good about it except that the two brunettes were pretty. But let this movie stand as proof undeniable—pretty only gets you so far.

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