Revised from July 16, 2009. There’s a popular trend in a lot of disaster films, but it’s one that people don’t usually talk about: people always loot. Now I get the appeal of looting: there’s free stuff, you’re out with friends or family, and you get to throw bricks through windows. Who doesn’t want to loot? And if you know that aliens will level the city, no one is going to miss a couple of wide screen Sony Bravia TVs and that Mac Book Pro (be careful with that TV though, a plasma can’t stay tilted for long and remember not to get too ambitious. Seventy inches won’t do you a damn bit of good if you’re too dead to watch it.).

The problem is that people in movies loot at the wrong time. Let’s break it down by the nature of the crisis:

Zombie Attack: Totally a looting occasion, Zombies are slow, they usually don’t understand doors and the cops will be busy fighting them off. One thing, don’t hold up inside of the mall. This idea might sound brilliant and original, but it’s not.

Giant Monster Attack: This is a no go on the looting, giant monsters cover too much ground too quickly and while you’re carrying out that Rubbermaid bin full of DVDs it could roll up on and give you a surprise at the door. Also too many giant monsters attract the military and other giant monsters. Some of them have beam weapons, best to steer clear of populated areas altogether.

Alien Attack: Aliens are smart and most often want to violently destroy us without reason. Since Alien weapons come in all kinds of varieties this is kind of up to you. The worst thing you can do usually is be in a crowd, they love that. So if the people are looting, don’t. But if everyone is running the other way, you are go for snatch and grab.

Super Volcano: What are you stupid? Haven’t you see how fast those things erupt?

Massive Global Warming/Cooling…whatever the fuck was happening in Day After Tomorrow: *shrug*

Super Earthquake: Only loot with a buddy, if possible wear a hard hat.

Nuclear Holocaust: You’re the last man on Earth? Your house better should look like a Best Buy show room. There should be more horsepower in your driveway and yard than a whole season of Top Gear has. This goes for any scenario where you’re the last person left…these are the holy grail of looting opportunities.

Super Solar Flare: Why are you stealing, you’re going to be dead in like a matter of hours? Seriously think when you loot, don’t take stuff you won’t ever get to use.

Some quick tips:
-Be courteous: don’t steal more than you need.
-Share: if someone needs to borrow a cinder block, let them. Then retrieve it.
-Recycle bricks and cinderblocks. Just because society is collapsing doesn’t mean we have to be wasteful.
-Don’t forget to steal weapons and ammunition when applicable.
Most importantly AIM HIGH: What are you driving? A Ford Focus? Put that back and find a nice Veyron or Bentley.

That’s all I can think of, happy looting.

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7 thoughts on “Loot Only when Appropriate

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