I’ve wasted my time trying to fit into what others have thought I should be like. I tried to be the outgoing social person because I am pretty good at it when I want to be and because it is what we’re supposed to do, right? Go to the bar and meet people. Talk to strangers that you run into during your fueled trudge through the halogen light lit streets of Midtown?
Don’t get me wrong, I love downtown at night. I like my alcohol and I enjoy being out with my friends from time to time. But I’m happier with low key settings. Being good at something, in this case socializing, doesn’t mean that I want to do it or that I should want to do it or that there’s anything wrong with me for not doing it.
I’ve spent the last several months being out more actively with groups of people and it really didn’t net any return for me. There’s no lasting friendships I have now that are a direct result. What’s worse is that I have neglected doing other things that I enjoyed doing more.
The friends I still talk to whom I used to go out with are people I talked to before all of that started and the ones I stopped talking to are the ones who I met during all of that. The only exception is one guy who I met kind of randomly who might just be the nicest person I’ve ever come across. We still talk because he’s cool and he’s a good person who never seems to be itching to take from friends without giving something back and being there.
I’m past the point where I can deal with shallow one-sided friendships. A little test I’ve conducted to see if I really need to keep communicating with a person is to just stop texting them first all of the time. People who don’t really care usually won’t ever check in on you or text you if you don’t text them or if they don’t need something. I have friends that I’ve never met in person on the other side of the world who are better about e-mailing me back or messaging me back than people who share an area code with me.
There’s no reason that I should be the one responsible for communicating first all of the time. I’ll stick to the belief that if someone really cares and wants to talk they will contact you eventually.
All of this reminds me of the quote from Fight Club about “single-serving friends”. Maybe that’s what most of these people should stay as. I’m just having a hard time seeing the appeal in something like that…